Yeah, I don’t know where to start it’s been so long. I really like him but when I see photos of the other with the new girl I feel something too, something I wish I didn’t. Something like regret, and shame and I dont know how to fix that.
But mostly, with him, I’m uncertain. That though I have affection it isn’t enough to allow me to look past, the, well, the past. The choices he made with his body, relationships, and life affect the choices I make today. I wish I could say I’m a big enough person that none of that affects me, but I’d be lying.
But I’m still figuring out to what degree. If I can see myself here enough to stay, or that when I see a photo, message, memory it is too painful to think about or bear. I don’t know how to approach this but I have time, for now.
I know it’ll be gone in an instant and then I will actually have to make real choices, and though I say I will know more than, I know I won’t. I hope to be far enough in to try, or closed off enough to leave.
But I can currently stall.
And I’ll figure it out, I hope.
I also know that all of this is a large distraction, and I hope to stay focused, level headed, reasonable, and thoughtful through it all. But I need the Lord’s help. I need it every day to sustain my every thought and I need to seek it, and HIM more.
I pray that I find resolution with my past, joy in my present, and clarity for the future. Mostly, Lord, help me see You with everything I am.